Defeated

That's the sense I have today.  I didn't write yesterday because I was feeling kind of squashed, like I may have had a virus coming on.  Because of that, I catapulted off the diet a bit.  Though, admittedly, I watched my intake to the extent that I didn't exceed 1200 calories.  It just wasn't as much liquid as usual. 

I feel more rejuvenated today and was back to the normal plan.  I am not as hungry as I have been, but part of that is just a feeling that food has me.  It's that feeling that addicts have when they realize that they don't have the control anymore and may not have ever had it.  I am such a control freak that I adore the sense of control, so it should make sense that I'm feeling defeated.  Someone took my security blanket, damnit!!! 

I think the worst thing about being in the field of psychology and having any issues like this are that I can intellectualize this experience down to the last detail.  Unfortunately, that doesn't do a damned thing to help the way I feel emotionally or physically during this process.  I feel the same way about watching films like "Food, Inc."  I completely agree with the premise of the film and changes to diet that should be made for the sake of myself, my family and everyone else on this good, green earth.  But I have the "Dug" syndrome.  What the hell is the "Dug" syndrome, you ask?  Well, because I have young children I am subjected to a plethora of PG movies that are requested over, and over, and over, and over, and...well, you get the point.  Anyway, the movie "Up" is a big fave right now.  There is a character, a dog named "Dug," in the movie who can talk and like most other dogs is fascinated/obsessed with squirrels.  Thus, he can be in the middle of a topic and if he sees a squirrel even out of the corner of his eye, he shouts, "Squirrel."  Well, I feel the same way about food.  I can be watching "Food, Inc." or intellectualizing anything and all of a sudden, "Cake!"  Again, I talked about pathology in the beginning.  This is the characteristic of an addict.  The moving around of things in their world to revolve around their substance.  There's a tad of OCD to it.  I've been on many diets before and behavioral interventions and I have never gotten past this point and my realization today is that I may never do that.  How about that?  I can't get rid of it.  I have to live with it knowing that I take it with me everywhere. 

Yeah, defeated.  I think that fits today like a glove.